Christmas is nigh, and I am unable to consider a greater approach to have fun than by taking part in a game about Jesus Christ, a man who most certainly was not truly born on Christmas.

Properly, truthfully, I can consider higher methods to have fun Christmas. Numerous them! However I made a decision to play the prologue of I’m Jesus Christ anyway. It is a first-person game where you are Jesus (Christ) and also you “observe the identical path as Jesus Christ, from his baptism to the resurrection.” The prologue solely covers the primary few chapters of the game, however you continue to get to do loads of Jesus stuff, like meet John the Baptist, get examined by Devil within the desert, carry out a couple of miracles, and use blocks and telekinesis to resolve traversal puzzles.

Similar to Jesus did.

As for me, I am a heathen whose expertise with organized faith begins and ends with me becoming a member of a youth group on the age of 16 as a result of I had a crush on a woman. Sure, I solely went to church as a result of I used to be attractive. To atone for this sin (and hopefully many others) I am hoping to be taught some actual stuff about Jesus. Every time I do, I will insert a “enjoyable reality” about Christ I realized from this game. Here is the primary one:

Jesus enjoyable reality: A variety of his life was taken up by loading screens.

After an introductory film, which incorporates the sight of dinosaurs roaming the Earth (truthfully, I wasn’t anticipating that in any respect) we get a cutscene concerning the beginning of Jesus, which like Spider-Man’s origin story I feel we’re all fairly rattling aware of by now. The manger, the angel, the sensible males, all that jazz. Then… smash minimize! Jesus wakes up at age 30, a full-grown grownup who nonetheless lives together with his mother, Mary. Mary tells me (I am Jesus, bear in mind) that she’s heard that John the Baptist is a cool man (that is not a direct quote) and I ought to observe him down. 

As a 30-year outdated Jesus, I am considerably stunned to find I’ve a compass on my HUD. I am not saying Jesus did not have an innate sense of route, but it surely’s nonetheless bizarre to see a PUBG-like directional indicator on the display screen. Simply the concept of Jesus having a HUD in any respect is bizarre, too. The truth is, while you’re inhabiting Jesus, nearly each regular videogame ingredient feels misplaced.

Jesus enjoyable reality: He says “OK” greater than you’d suppose

Jesus can dash, for instance. I do not know why that is so unusual, and I am not saying Jesus by no means had trigger to dash in his life, however one thing simply feels incorrect about making The Son of God run round at high pace. Jesus may also hop, and while you mix that with sprinting and a number of other city maps where there’s actually nothing to do however cross the city to get to your goal, that mainly means I made Jesus do a little bit of parkour. At the same time as a non-religious man, I really feel responsible about this. Forgive me.

After asking round city about John the Baptist, I’m going again residence to inform Mary I am outta right here (Jeez, Jesus, you do not have to inform your Mother all the things, you are 30) and head out to search out John, gathering berries to eat alongside the way in which which makes me briefly fear it is a survival game. (It isn’t.) I attain the river and rudely minimize the road of individuals ready to be baptized, which feels very un-Jesus-like to me. 

John baptizes me exhausting—the inventory audio sound impact splash feels like Jesus doing a cannonball off a two-story roof right into a pool slightly than the mild reducing right into a river you would possibly count on. The group on the financial institution applauds. Somebody, and I’m not making this up, says “Woohoo.” (You may activate the sound within the gif beneath in case you suppose I’m bearing false witness in opposition to the Woohoo man.)

Think about being that man. Think about being the man who witnessed the baptism of Jesus and yelled “Woohoo.”

From there I wander out into the desert for 40 days, where I do not eat, or drink, or do something however pray as Devil repeatedly tempts me with loot packing containers. Good strive, satan! Jesus was not into pay-to-win or microtransactions.

(Picture credit score: SimulaM)

Jesus enjoyable reality: To carry out miracles he enters “Holy Spirit Mode” by pressing Tab

An angel seems and teaches me how one can “dodge blasts,” one thing Jesus apparently needed to do. I may also mirror blasts again, like Nintendo 64 Hyperlink swinging his sword, and I can pull my enemies nearer to me utilizing divine telekinesis, which I assume is the Jesus equal of a grappling hook. At this level I am fairly certain all Bible canon has been thrown out and Jesus is gonna wind up on a quest for double-jump sandals, however that is all observe for the showdown with Devil (who seems this time as a large glowing donut) who has given up tempting me with worldly comforts and is simply attempting to straight-up murk me. I grapplehook him, deflect his blasts again into him, and knock down his health meter till he tells me he will take over the world, laughs menacingly, and dips.

Having established that I must rid the world of Devil, I exploit my Jesus powers to destroy large black crystals Devil scattered round. Once more, I do not suppose that is straight out of the bible, however breaking Devil’s crystals lets me “reclaim territory” (so now it is a management level map?) and recruit a few fishermen, who’re so impressed that I can use telekinesis to push fish into their nets that they provide up fishing. Extra telekinesis follows as in some kind of pocket dimension I’ve to spawn a block to carry down a strain plate so a stairway seems, like Portal’s companion dice, however holy. Then I levitate a bit of wooden throughout a spot to make use of as a bridge. Strolling on water is not gonna be sufficient for Videogame Jesus, I assume.

Jesus enjoyable reality: He turned manner an excessive amount of water into wine

Lastly, I get to carry out a miracle I’ve truly heard of. I attend a marriage where the groom has run out of wine, actually a trigger for panic. I wave my arms over three huge casks of water, transmuting it into what seems to be roughly 150 gallons of wine, which appears completely overkill for this little wedding ceremony. How drunk are they planning to get?

(Picture credit score: SimulaM)

However that is not the half that actually bugs me. First I make the wine attendant style the wine, after which I’m going get the groom and in addition make him style the wine, after which I spend what seems like far an excessive amount of time explaining to each of them that it was I, Jesus, who made the water into wine. Look, I get it. I am younger, cocky Jesus, I’ve bought cool new party-saving powers, I am simply beginning my battle in opposition to Devil, and I must whip up some good PR. Get my identify on the market. Let the world know: Yeah, I am the water-into-wine man. Inform your mates. It simply does not really feel all that humble, which fits counter to my admittedly restricted understanding of JC.

Jesus enjoyable reality: He can shrink down and enter your veins

The ultimate miracle of the prologue is even weirder, as a Roman officer’s son is sick and I go away my physique, journey 20 miles as a ghost, then heal the child by plunging into his veins and battling in opposition to a virus. That is not a metaphor, I’m actually shrunk down and am strolling round on this kid’s veins, pointing my arms at big, icky viruses which are in the identical form as all these COVID-19 graphics we see on the information. I will not search for the precise bible verse, however I am fairly certain this is not fairly the way it occurred.

(Picture credit score: SimulaM)

Someplace within the bible is a passage saying one thing about not judging others, however as we have established: I am a godless heathen. So I will say the prologue of I Am Jesus Christ has manner too many loading screens, less-than convincing NPCs, and Jesus says “OK” on a number of events which simply feels incorrect. Regardless of your beliefs, I do not suppose anybody would purchase that Jesus went all Implausible Voyage on a child to remedy him, or that he had a magic grappling hook, or that he used blocks to crush strain plates so he might resolve traversal puzzles.

As for the compass on the HUD? Really, I am beginning to heat as much as that idea. Why could not Jesus have had a compass on his HUD? Show me the a part of the bible where it says he did not.

Merry Christmas. (Picture credit score: SimulaM)