I’ve cleaned extra objects with jets of water in PowerWash Simulator than you’ve had scorching dinners. This isn’t hyperbole. I’ve achieved some primary maths (or math, if you happen to choose) to show my energy washing versus scorching dinner credentials*. Because of this, I can completely put myself ahead as an influence wash skilled. A phenomenon, even. My mates may advocate me for energy washing on LinkedIn. Possibly sooner or later I am going to even reside out my dream and host a webinar concerning the energy of the yellow nozzle! Unironically!

In actual fact, let’s do a trial run of my webinar on this article. The webinar is known as:

The yellow nozzle: Overpowered good friend or overpowered foe?

Slide 1:

(Picture credit score: FuturLab)

Webinar opens with a crash zoom on the yellow nozzle, possibly a fanfare of some form. 

I’ll pause right here so folks can get their gasps and sighs out of the way in which. There shall be medics standing by in case anybody faints.

“Buddies!” I’ll say. “The time has come for us to acknowledge the sheer energy of the yellow nozzle.”

Slide 2:

(Picture credit score: FuturLab)

Possibly we may use a starwipe transition to this slide? I imply, video enhancing peaked in about 1994, so I might like to stay to enhancing strategies you’d discover on candid digital camera exhibits from about 30 years in the past if in any respect potential. 

As soon as we’ve got starwiped to slip 2, I’ll level to every of the opposite nozzles. 

“As a result of,” I’ll say, persevering with my level from slide 1, “once you personal the yellow nozzle, each single different possibility turns into redundant.”

There’ll most likely be some boos from the green diehards within the viewers. We may have safety on standby in case they get rowdy. 

I level at pink: 

“The centered energy of pink gives a giddy kick,” I’ll say, “However yellow with an extension deal with offers the identical attain and higher unfold! And it isn’t like pink cuts by means of rust like a demon, both. Simply give that patch a couple of goes with the yellow and you will be advantageous!”

I level on the cleaning soap nozzle, then the turbo nozzle:

“This one is extra problem and expense than it is price. You may take away the identical grime by working a yellow over the world a couple of instances with out consuming into your earnings! And you’ll change the wiggly jet of the turbo nozzle by equipping yellow, pressing C after which shaking your arm a bit!”

I level on the white nozzle:

“I am not even going to dignify this with a remark,” I say. The group goes wild with laughter and applause. 

Lastly, I level to green:

“Look, I do know a few of you will not wish to hear this, however green simply is not ok!” There shall be boos, however I’ll hold my floor. These folks want to listen to the reality. 

“I do know you assume that green gives a superior unfold at the price of slightly energy and vary,” I proceed. “However let me introduce you to slightly life hack…”

Slide 3:

(Picture credit score: FuturLab)

There will certainly be not less than one one who faints right here, so the medics must be ready. 

“I name it… The vertical mowing method!” I announce, then pause whereas the applause thunders by means of the stadium. I am unsure why we’re in a stadium given this can be a webinar. Possibly it was oversubscribed or one thing?

“What you do is you rotate the jet so the spray sample is vertical,” I clarify, “Then you definitely crouch as little as potential, moving the jet in a windscreen wiper trend in entrance of you.” 

Individuals are in tears! They’ve by no means seen something prefer it. I am an influence wash EMPRESS! They’re chanting my title—they could even storm the stage, making an attempt to raise me onto their shoulders!

“Actually every part the opposite nozzles do will be changed by yellow!” I shout, making an attempt to make myself heard above the din. “Its energy is limitless!”

Extra cheers!

“Its energy is unrivalled!”

Much more cheers!

“Its energy is… TERRIBLE”

The group is wrongfooted—I’ve thrown them a curveball and they do not know the right way to react! Absolutely I used to be simply praising yellow to the rafters? What might be horrible about that?

Slide 4:

(Picture credit score: FuturLab)

“I imply, if I can do every part with yellow, what is the level of any of the opposite nozzles?” I ask. “Where’s the smug satisfaction of figuring out the precise right instrument for the job if you happen to can simply obtain the identical consequence by blasting a wall with yellow?”

At this level, I count on some sensible aleck to say, “Er, Pip, is not that what the challenges are for? Do not you solely get a superb score on these if your nozzles inside out?” I really feel like that is the kind of particular person the safety group ought to attempt to hustle out of the stadium if in any respect potential.

If safety can’t silence this particular person in time, I’ll merely say “Yeah, however the challenges are HARD and I do not wish to need to watch out about my water consumption or work to a selected time restrict!”

“Pip,” they’ll say, “It seems like you might be complaining about with the ability to play utilizing solely the yellow nozzle, but additionally you do not like several of the options which imply you really optimise your utilization of the opposite nozzles!”

“EXACTLY!” I’ll shout. “Now you are getting it!”

“Why did you want a webinar to say that?” they’ll ask. “Might you not go on Reddit like everybody else?”


“Or not less than decide a perspective?”

“Properly, no as a result of I…”

“And why is that this webinar in a stadium? Absolutely the entire level is that I can attend from dwelling.”

“Ah, you see, um…”

“And why is there MERCH?”

“THIS WEBINAR IS OVER,” I’ll announce in a very calm and by no means panicked manner.

I feel that is most likely the purpose when I’ll get my safety group to hold me to my ready limo and drive me away at excessive pace.

(Picture credit score: FuturLab)

Anyway, my level is that the yellow nozzle is massively overpowered and obliterates the necessity for the opposite nozzles. That is unhappy as a result of I might prefer to be pressured to grasp my craft and change into the queen of nozzle utilization, however I additionally do not wish to need to be taught something or change something after spending about 260 hours brute-forcing cleanliness with a yellow nozzle. 

Oh, and looking out again on this apply webinar, I feel I am going to simply finish it throughout slide three whereas persons are cheering and lifting me onto their shoulders. 

*A examine from 2014 put the typical age of PC players at 38 in order that’s our base age. I’ve taken the weaning age of infants to be 6 months, so you’ve got had 37.5 years of stable meals. I’ve assumed one scorching dinner per day beginning THE VERY SECOND you started to experiment with solids. You might have additionally by no means determined to have a chilly salad in a heatwave. As somebody who drinks scorching tea to chill down in the summertime, I perceive this. 

Anyway, my strategy assigns you, the typical PC gamer, the very best variety of scorching dinners allowable. That is 37.5 x 365, which provides 13,687.5 scorching dinners. We then add 9 extra dinners for leap years, and I am going to spherical up that bizarre half dinner you had right into a full dinner as a result of I am beneficiant. In the end, that leaves us with 13,697 scorching dinners. 

I’ve performed over 260 hours of PowerWash Simulator. I’ve accomplished it a number of instances over, and have replayed a few of my favorite ranges possibly 10 instances or extra. With this in thoughts, I’ve DEFINITELY performed each stage within the game not less than thrice, and that is not counting DLC. There are 5,765 objects in these ranges, and three x 5765 = 17,295. That is greater than 13,697. QED, yo! 

I might go additional, and attempt to show that I’ve out-cleaned your complete life expectancy, however my fingers harm from all of the counting.