Some individuals develop up watching wrestling and dream of in the future being WWE champion. Of successful the final word prize at Wrestlemania, the grandest stage of all of them, whereas tens of 1000’s scream their identify and thousands and thousands extra watch at dwelling. Of finishing up feats of athleticism so grandiose they echo by way of eternity.
The wrestler on this month’s diary shouldn’t be a type of individuals. Sure, he is on the hunt for championship gold. However he has no intention of entertaining you alongside the way in which. Your enjoyment is poison to him, your hatred ambrosia. He intends to clamber up the rankings ladder and win a championship belt—in all probability one of many ones you forgot existed—with out ever successful a match pretty.
Say howdy to essentially the most unworthy contender within the historical past of sports activities leisure: ‘Luscious’ Lord Fentiman Skett. He is named after the sound of somebody operating from battle whereas sporting outsized selfmade clogs. He is the form of creature who stopped tying damsels to coach tracks as a result of he determined it was a waste of rope; a person who saves his pink shells in Mario Kart so he can fireplace them again at individuals he is lapped. Fentiman Skett makes Ric Aptitude appear like Bob Ross.
Crimping this terrible villain into existence is a painstaking course of. The extent of depth in WWE 2K22 is intimidating, so I’ve to scour Skett’s strikes to verify nothing inspiring, highly effective, or entertaining by chance wriggles, by way of like a historic bigoted tweet from an English cricketer. Skett is a rankings catastrophe, together with his tedious arsenal of headlocks, roll-up pins and blatant dishonest. His finisher, should you can name it that, is eye rake-low blow combo that even I am uninterested in seeing, and he hasn’t even had a match but. As a concession to the noble artwork of wrestling I equip Skett with an athletic drop kick as a signature move. But it surely’s to not impress individuals. As a substitute, it is an instance of what Fentiman /might/ do if renounced dishonest. In an ideal world, I can hear Jim Ross’s exasperated voice explaining it to followers, “Skett might get the rattling job completed legally if he simply utilized himself. However he solely desires to do it the simple method!”
Bodily, he embodies the mixed aesthetic qualities of ponderous Tory lollipop Jacob Rees-Mogg, fish-and-foreigner averse horror author HP Lovecraft, and Eric the cowardly cavalier from Dungeons & Dragons. At 6’3″ and 190lbs, he is about as appropriate for a profession in skilled wrestling as I’m at pitching diary items that will not make my life a screaming distress. Extra on that shortly.
My plan, then, shouldn’t be solely to misappropriate a championship, however to hold hold of it by dishonest. You may’t lose a belt by being disqualified, so I intend to make Skett the longest reigning champion who’s by no means efficiently defended his title. I’ve obtained an extended approach to go earlier than that. I fireplace up Universe Mode and assign Skett to the Uncooked model, assuming that I will have a gruelling path forward of me.
My first match, nonetheless, is inexplicably Uncooked’s foremost occasion, dealing with off towards Kevin Owens. Much more bizarrely, Paul Heyman is my supervisor. Narrative weirdness apart, this seems like the right approach to trial Skett’s nefarious methods. I can use Heyman to distract the ref, whereas I choose up a slimy victory. And it is round now, actually on the very begin of my journey, that the weaknesses in my plan turn out to be obvious.
Probably the most tough factor in wrestling is not enjoying hide-and-seek with John Cena. It is not deciphering why Mae Younger as soon as gave delivery to a hand. Nope, it is attempting to cheat successfully in WWE 2K22. This game is totally, rigidly decided that you just play by the principles. I assume that having Heyman at ringside will assist, however I am unsuitable. Apparently managers in WWE 2K22 are there to do *checks notes* actually nothing. As a substitute, I made a decision to mercilessly bump the ref so I can break the principles whereas he is unconscious. One drawback: no matter I do, the referee won’t keep down. I strive whipping my opponent into him, however he deftly sidesteps every time. I strive the extra direct technique of clattering him with a clothesline, however he no-sells like The Final Warrior taking a Pedigree. There is a slider to find out how lengthy the referee is dazed, however, even at its highest setting, the ref is again up earlier than I’ve had time to select up a chair, not to mention swing it. This, mixed with WWE 2K22’s byzantine controls, truly makes successful pretty more durable than dishonest.
I resolve I am going about this the unsuitable method. As a substitute of pulling down the ref, Skett will distract him. It is potential to take away the turnbuckle cowl in WWE 2K22, exposing the metallic ring beneath. This sliver of skinny metallic is outwardly so harmful that any interplay with it outcomes right away DQ. Ultimately, the ref will discover the lacking pad, waddle throughout the ring, and change it from his secret provide of countless turnbuckle covers, giving me time to brutalise my opponent with a overseas object. The one bother? The one factor that 100% ensures the ref’s sudden curiosity in turnbuckle upkeep is Skett going for a pinfall. If that occurs, the ref replaces the quilt instantly, which is strictly the other of what I must occur.
An alternate plan types in my head. What if I take away the turnbuckle pad and trick my opponent into utilizing it? That will be classic Fentiman Skett. However that does not work both. As a result of I am the one who eliminated the pad, slamming my smirking face into the uncovered turnbuckle is all of the sudden authorized. Equally, through the three-second window when it is secure to make use of a weapon, I am going to crack my opponent over the top with one of many 40 kendo sticks inexplicably hidden beneath the ring. However he manages to wrestle it off me and return the favour, all whereas the ref watches on. On the threat of sounding like a deflating balloon animal at a disappointing occasion, it is apparently positive after I’m the one being assaulted.
I am starting to really feel Skett is the sufferer right here, which is a really odd frame of mind for a person expressly created to interrupt the principles. I initially determined that I might solely go for the pin after utilizing a overseas object on my opponent, nevertheless it’s virtually not possible to execute. For it to work I might must 1) take away a turnbuckle, 2) put together a weapon, 3) await the ref to note mentioned turnbuckle, 4) bounce again into the ring with the weapon, 5) hit my opponent, which solely works 50% of the time, and 6) go for the pin as soon as the ref is wanting once more. And that is such a conjunction of unlikely occasions that might herald some cataclysmic infernal occasion. So I made a decision that low cost pins will be a part of Skett’s victory technique, as long as I’ve used a weapon at the least as soon as.
Sadly, I am not having an enriching time on Uncooked. I am booked in a collection of tag matches with random companions, which is not a lot enjoyable for a sociopath like Skett. Extra bafflingly, I find yourself competing for the Smackdown tag group belts throughout a PPV, regardless that I am not assigned to the model. Skett and his new associate, Angel Garca, handle to win the belts, however I resolve this may’t probably rely in direction of my aim. Skett would not share glory. And I must really feel like I’ve earned my stolen championship.
The ultimate straw comes after I use the curation menu to push for extra singles matches. Skett remains to be headlining, which feels unsuitable like your dad’s Steely Dan cowl band headlining Glastonbury. Worse but, the game solely desires me to combat Omos, the 7’3″ Nigerian titan who might in all probability use Skett as a toothpick. After six consecutive matches towards him, I resolve it is time to change promotions.
‘Luscious’ Lord Fentiman makes his NXT debut the following week, and to be trustworthy, it seems like a extra pure atmosphere for him, not least as a result of he seems just like the third member of erstwhile NTX tag champs, the Vaudevillains. Sure, it is a step again, however I embrace it, not least as a result of NXT’s strong cruiserweight division means Skett is not the smallest man on the roster. Higher nonetheless, I’ve some tight, aggressive matches, by which I imply I managed to cheat constantly with out getting disqualified. There’s additionally a wierd, satisfying sense I’ve damaged the game. My stats are so hilariously low that the commentators do not know the right way to speak about me. They skirt round my abject failures, speaking about ‘challenges’ and ‘resilience’, like I am a courageous relative with an embarrassing illness. And this may truly be true, as a result of, as I study after turning the blood on, Skett bleeds like a person with moist rice paper for pores and skin. The slightest trace of fist to brow and he is Carrie White on promenade night time.
A couple of matches later, and the game throws up the curation menu, asking me what I would like. A crippling sense of Britishness nearly stops me from being trustworthy about my want for a title match, like an ungainly vicar avoiding the final French Fancy, however ultimately I relent and ask for a shot. And, positive sufficient, Skett is booked towards Tommaso Ciampa for the NXT Championship.
It is a first rate match, and one that really turns into barely tense given the principles I’ve imposed on myself. A couple of instances it seems like Ciampa is gearing up for his finisher, and I’ve to roll out of the ring and recuperate, figuring out that I will not be allowed to kick out if he lands it. After eradicating about 15 turnbuckle covers in complete, I handle to lastly catch Ciampa with a chair shot, which softens him up properly. He kicks out of my soiled leverage pin, however I will clatter him with a depressing low blow and roll him up for the win. Skett is a champion: a shitty, dishonest, miserably disappointing champion. He celebrates this momentous victory by stamping the hell out of his fallen enemy. Stylish.
All that is left is to carry on to my not-actually very onerous fought championship and get myself disqualified or counted out from the following match, which takes place at an NXT In Your Home PPV.
As all the time, there’s an issue. It is a no disqualification Triple Risk match. I am assured I could make it work, nonetheless. Skett instantly legs it from the ring, arms himself with a weapon, and solely will get concerned when somebody seems like they’re in want of a thrashing. He dives out and in of the ring like a toxic fish, delivering chair shots earlier than retreating to relative security. My opponents, Pete Dunne and Walter, do a positive job of pulverising one another and I plan to brush in and end the match…
However catastrophe strikes: Dunne hits his finisher on Walter, and when I attempt to break up a pin with a baseball bat it inexplicably would not work, so I drop my belt after a mere 5 days due to vomitous collision detection. Thus ends WWE 2K22’s ethical principle lesson: cheaters by no means prosper, even when dishonest is authorized.